Beyond Seminary: Finding My Place in Ministry & Leadership

Reflecting back on my journey with PastoraLab, it came at the right time in my life, and provided a safe space to be with other AAPI faith-based women leaders in ministry and leadership contexts both inside and outside the church.

After graduating seminary in 2016, I had felt a sense of disconnection between my spiritual & academic training and my marketplace vocation/career. Ironically, after years of serving in different church plants and churches in LA and OC, (all of which were following God’s call and led me to seminary in the first place), I found myself working outside the church. As I didn’t want to do the traditional route of ordination (yet) and had felt conflicted about the position of pastor, even though I had been a lay leader serving pastoral roles. In the small church plants, I was given more roles of authority as leaders were few, and I had Bible and missionary training, but ultimately they were not able to hire me because of limited funding.

During this season I felt the most alive and productive, and it challenged me to trust God for the tangibles and the Holy Spirit for community transformation. So I was employed outside the church, and did church ministry throughout the week, but after years it also led to burnout. I found a few large congregations to have some space to recover. In the large congregations I felt lost, because I had no position or history with them. The majority of them had few women on paid pastoral staff.

Embracing Yinist Spirituality Beyond Seminary

PastoraLab gave me words to voice the disconnect I had been feeling for years since graduating seminary. It provided a way for me to connect the structural logical/reasoning head knowledge of seminary with the Spirit and emotion I had experienced throughout my faith journey in different organic church contexts - without any judgment.

In The Tao of Asian American Belonging, Dr Young describes it as a “dichotomized Christian theology,” resulting in compartmentalism (Yang), versus the Yinist spirituality that connects mind, body, and action (intro. xiii). After seminary, I didn’t know where I fit in anymore in the local church. However, the women in my cohort were very embracing of me in this season of reflection and searching for my ministry future. I didn’t have to have any answers or fit into any church denominational mold or model of what a Christian leader is supposed to look like.

During one of our first Pastoralab sessions, we did an exercise where we wrote down 24 different words to describe ourselves, then narrowed that down to 6 words, and then the top 3 words. My words were “spirit-filled, artistic, visionary” and it made me see that the titles or positions I had originally written “pastor, teacher, entrepreneur,” weren’t in the top 3. So much of my Christian identity had been linked to titles or positions.

Expanding Perspectives on Women in Leadership

PastoraLab was also a space to re-examine my perspectives about women in leadership and see the areas where I can expand my idea of what women in ministry is like both inside and outside the church - to the classroom, the clinic, corporation, the nonprofit, in business.

At the larger Pastoralab retreat I met women of different ages and life stages from the different cohorts all over the U.S. who are leading from their multi-vocal identities beyond lead pastor, ordained minister, professor, therapist, wife, and parent, etc. They were so much more than their positions and giftings. Through beauty and vulnerability they shared their stories. It was an opportunity to learn from other women faith leaders in the trenches like myself. Everyone was celebrated and welcomed.

A Vision of Collaboration and Equality

PastoraLab also gave me hope that women can go into different spaces and work together not in competition or comparison but in mutual respect and collaboration. I have found other people of peace, who want to create space for others yet also initiate change and healing in all ministry contexts. It gave me a vision for a dream ministry - to speak that vision more with clarity, and find key people who can contribute to that vision. A vision where everyone is adept in their callings and roles, who can navigate challenges and deal with conflict, find equality in pulpit and gender, where the Spirit-filled diversity of the church pervades, with an abundance of resources and generating wealth to further God’s kingdom, and people living out the dreams and visions that God’s given them. And if I can’t find that ministry, I can create my own!

Embracing Growth and Letting Go: A Journey Beyond PastoraLab

After PastoraLab, self-development is always ongoing toward growth and contribution. I am still finding myself and also letting go of old past identities that don’t serve me anymore - there is some lament in letting go but there is also joy too as I move forward with nervous excitement to the next part of my journey ahead. I give myself permission to embrace ambiguity and flexibility instead of clinging to rigidity and security.

I am thankful for the past experiences in the church, and my current ministry where I can apply my faith background in the nonprofit and business worlds. Graduating PastoraLab wasn’t an end to my leadership journey, it was a re-ignition to move me forward.